In Eastern Indonesia, the practice of forced marriage is still prevalent, largely due to the tradition of a high “uang panai” or dowry, particularly among the Bugis-Makassar community. Uang panai is an additional gift that serves as a measure of the financial capability of a man to marry his prospective wife. The large sums requested are often seen as a symbol of status and respect for the bride’s family. 

However, this tradition is frequently misused as a justification for parents to pressure their daughters into marrying men who can afford a high uang panai, regardless of the daughter's full consent. As a result, many women find themselves trapped in marriages driven by family economic interests rather than personal desires or choices.

Cases of child marriages or marriages with extreme age differences are often highlighted in the media, reflecting the widespread nature of this phenomenon. Some viral cases involve extravagant gifts, such as uang panai amounting to hundreds of millions or even billions of rupiah, which becomes the main attraction for the family to accept a marriage proposal, even if the bride is very young and the groom is elderly.

The lure of substantial uang panai exerts pressure on women to marry, frequently disregarding their right to choose a partner according to their wishes. What was once a tradition meant to show respect has now become a tool to restrict women’s freedom in selecting their life partners.

For many women, a man with value and compatibility is indeed more appealing. Women (though not always) tend to prefer partners of higher value; many women marry up, a concept known as hypergamy. Hypergamy, derived from the Greek words hyper meaning 'above' and gamos meaning 'marriage,' refers to the tendency of individuals, typically women, to seek a partner who has a higher economic, intellectual, or social status than themselves. In social and anthropological contexts, hypergamy is often linked to an evolutionary strategy where individuals choose partners who can offer greater resources (economically), status, or protection.

For some women, marrying a successful man serves as validation—this can be observed in the phenomenon of groupies, whether in the entertainment industry or religious circles (where many women are willing to enter unregistered marriages or even become mistresses to their religious idols). Some women do not care about a man's physical appearance if he already has a top-tier economic status. With such success, flaws can be overlooked, and wrongdoings forgiven.

While the phenomenon of hypergamy is a personal choice for women, it becomes problematic whused as a tool to pressure women into marriage. In some cases, hypergamy is also a justification for child marriage. According to Law No. 16 of 2019, child marriage occurs when either the groom or bride is under the age of 19.

Forced Marriage Is Never for the Child’s Happiness

The desire of some parents to arrange their children’s marriages with a chosen partner exists in nearly every culture, not just in Eastern Indonesia. The reasoning is often uniform, typically claiming it is for the child’s happiness.

In such arrangements, the marriage is set up without explicitly and honestly seeking the child’s consent, making it appear as a forced or inevitable event rather than a willing choice. Parents who arrange marriages often believe they have superior knowledge and experience in matters of marriage. Therefore, rejecting such attempts is seen as disobedience.

A fundamental question arises: are the parents who arrange these marriages truly acting for the child’s happiness, or are they seeking personal gratification for reasons like social validation or economic motives?

In many societies, marriage and family systems are designed more to satisfy the desires of the extended family and community rather than the married couple. Family honor is often prioritized over respecting the feelings and decisions of the child, especially daughters. Common phrases like "Marriage is also for the family" may sound sweet but can be toxic. 

Thus, matchmaking is often conducted to uphold social, cultural, and religious prestige in the eyes of the community. For these reasons, children are expected to obey for the sake of the family’s dignity. Additionally, parents teach filial piety, where fulfilling the parents’ wishes is seen as the ultimate act of gratitude.

The Bitterness of Forced Marriage

Forced marriages are prone to false displays of affection and harmony because one party often views the marriage as a mere formality and obligation, much like working at a job they dislike. These marriages feel dry and often seek emotional compensation through children. Alternatively, the individual might harbor resentment towards their child as a manifestation of their hidden animosity towards the person who caused them to lose their future.

Those who marry to please others, whether parents or spouses, suffer greatly. They often feel trapped, leading them to neglect the psychological needs of their children, their partner, or themselves.

A young woman forced into marriage for economic reasons might easily file for divorce once she becomes financially independent. However, if that opportunity does not arise, the marriage may persist until the end of life, albeit marked by emotional divorce. Meanwhile, a man forced into marriage may have a greater chance of seeking an affair or marrying his true love if given the opportunity.

Individuals who endure a forced marriage and manage to maintain it into old age are likely to continue this tradition with their children, creating a never-ending cycle. Maya Angelou once said, "When marriage becomes a duty rather than a decision, we strip away the essence of love."

Forced marriage strips away an individual’s right to make their own life choices, especially regarding whom they wish to spend their life with. When someone is compelled to marry, their most fundamental freedom is taken away. The freedom to choose is the most basic right we possess. When this right is denied, what is truly lost is our very selfhood, and no one has the right to take that away.

Dhuha Hadiansyah

Editor: Ari Budi

Proofread: Peter Heyes