Wednesday, July 20, 2022

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Love can bring us to the top of a mountain of happiness or it can plunge us into the abyss of misery. Love often brings enormous sorrow when the one we love suddenly disappears from the eye, be it because of death, leaving without saying goodbye, or choosing to be with another person.

Robby (27) admitted that it took him a month to struggle with the wounds of heartbreak when his first lover was caught cheating with another man. "I was so deeply in love with her at that time," said the alumnus of a well-known university.

We certainly understand this painful feeling does not only hit Robby. Heartbreak is a universal feeling shared by everyone. Some people go through the process of heartbreak (from denial and anger to accepting the condition) relatively quickly, others more slowly. However, a number of others are trapped in a cycle of pain, without knowing when it will disappear.

When heartbroken, most people will be in a state of frantic, confusion, and do not know what to do. This happens not because of a mere loss of love, but because we've been ignoring our deepest needs—in the sense that we're not connecting with ourselves.

There are a number of reflective questions we can ask ourselves before "deciding" to sink into the ocean of pain: do we really understand why we want love, do we want a permanent relationship or just trying it out, what are our more serious and fundamental needs other than love.

Also, why do we really want to be in a romantic relationship (just a distraction, or do we really want to have a partner)? do we know in detail what our intentions are or just in general terms like "I want to be happy". Lastly, do we love someone because we want to depend on others, do we long for love because we have not been loved by our parents since childhood?

We have to make sure that we understand ourselves before we decide to be in a relationship. Starting a relationship with a tranquil heart will make it easier for us to face various problems in the future.

When our hearts are crushed because of a breakup, we will think that nothing else is more important than "him/her". The ribs felt tight, breathing was difficult, and the world seemed pitch black. To our eyes, the only important people are the ones who captured our hearts, who doomed us to be alone.

The author of the book "How to Fix a Broken Heart" (2018) Guy Winch said that there is an irony in being heartbroken. In a breakup, the mind actually invites us to remember the pain. According to him, when we are heartbroken, the mind actually has a different agenda. Therefore, the mind tends to deceive us instead.

If you want to recover quickly from pain, he suggests that we understand when we need to believe what our minds are telling us. Winch says the mind always reminds us of the person who has hurt us; whereas, we should accept reality and try to move on.

The mind wants it because it wants to "protect" us. Winch pointed out that when our fingers are injured by fire, the task of the mind is to remind us not to go near the fire again, to ensure that the burn is very painful. The more painful the wound, the more the mind will invite us to remember it, so that we don't repeat the same thing.

Because a broken heart really makes feelings crushed, the mind will invite us to think that:

1. The ex is the only one and the best

The reflection of her face, her attention, and other good qualities will hang around all day long. However, of course, this is unrealistic, how can that person be nice, while his/her “biggest contribution” is to hurt our feelings.

2. Being with him/her makes us happy forever

Of course, such thoughts are nonsense. No relationship is perfect: there are bound to be frustrations, disappointments, bad times, or squabbles.

3. If we contact the ex, we will feel better

The urge to meet, send SMS, call or write email will be very strong. However, doing this will only make us feel needy and miserable, and self-esteem can also collapse.

4. Talking to a friend will erase the wound

Telling our story to friends will only be useful if it is done in a problem-solving method, or if our feelings are validated by the other person. However, if the intention is to vent and dwell on repeating stories of frustration, the problem may even increase.

5. We must know the reason why we broke up

Getting valid information on why we were cut off is certainly very useful. However, in fact, more people do not get a clear and honest explanation regarding this matter. Asking the one who broke our hearts is also difficult, even more so when they only give a vague answer. That's why Winch suggests we just think that "we're just not the right match for him/her" or "the ex doesn't really love us."

We are physical, emotional, intellectual, mental, and spiritual beings. If there is one aspect that we ignore, it means that we are blocking the harmonization process between these parts of us, as well as hindering our potential to develop as a complete human beings.

Couples are like that, they can't only match in one aspect. Let’s say, you are a match intellectually but you hurt each other's feelings and are physically abusive. Or, you are a match physically, but mentally and spiritually fragile. The self and the partner must be strong on these five elements in a balanced way. If the other person came just to tear us apart, why be afraid to say goodbye.



Dhuha Hadiyansyah

Dosen pada Universitas Al azhar Indonesia (UAI)

Board Member IofC Indonesia

Fasilitator Sekolah Rekonsiliasi


Ari Budi S.