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If I had to look at myself long before today, what one could see was "a calm, open water". I'm sure there's something in between the quiet but I don't know what. Finally, this year became a year filled with turmoil, storms, being tossed around with all the memories, and feelings that were there but I never try to identify. I don’t know where it all came from, where all of this was going, and how to deal with the inner turmoil that burst suddenly.

It turns out that all this confusion comes from me not knowing myself. Wounds have become unconscious actions that I do not understand and emotions become something I cannot connect with. Until finally I just found out that knowing myself is like studying in the school which requires theory and practice. But I learn when times are hard, I am now tired and I try to act as if everything looks fine.

Like a whale rising to the surface for oxygen, all my inner child needs come one by one, and at the same time, wanting to breathe freedom and strength but most of the time needing my attention. I never pay any attention to all of these because I have to survive in this life, support my family, bear the emotional burden of a family that is not connected to one another, and me who is lonely and insecure. I have to bear all of this alone without anyone's help, especially my family. Realizing I can't bear it alone, help is what I need. The calmness of the open water of emotions, thoughts, and balance suddenly burst and break.

Learning reconciliation is like a bridge that takes you on a path to greet memories again, or to meet again with people or things that are still "buried" as a result of unpleasant interactions or events. Previously, I had to accept without questioning them, thus breaking the relationship, even though it has not been resolved. Until I realized that all the negative feelings, the fears, all this time were me. All of these lead to becoming me today and it's okay, it's not wrong, it's normal because that's how humans are. It is “I” who is in control right now.

Today, I decided to change my view of myself. It's okay not to always be able to maintain calm, to not be a child you can rely on in every condition, it's okay to have sad, confusing days, like a storm in the ocean, this too shall pass. Even if I sink, I will find another way to the surface and continue to sail again to reach that true serenity of life at all times, not a false calmness.

Sincerity and courage are a long stretch of road for me, I just let everything happen and come and go in my life. At least from the length of this journey, I already know where I stand, the roots of the burden as well as the problems I feel. I'm no longer afraid to make boundaries according to my limit to protect my energy and end the fatigue crisis that I’ve been feeling.

Quoting the lyrics of the song from Yura Yunita - Inner Speech:

"I'm not perfect, I don't have to be perfect, I'll celebrate what I am"

The School of Reconciliation (SR) class makes it more understandable what "I celebrate what I am" means. There is no need to wait for something big to happen because actually there is already a lot to celebrate for oneself for all that has been passed. The most important thing is, I accept myself as I am with all my weaknesses and inabilities and everything is done mindfully.

I really understand that this storm will not suddenly pass after this, but I make sure that I am better prepared to go through all of this and not just stay still, turn around or drown in a sea of sorrow, this time I will go through it while moving forward with my braver self. Not to forget that now I am bolder in dreaming for the future because many friends at SR have shown that they are capable of going through what has been considered impossible for me.

Thank you, thank you. May peace be upon us and we are always given courage.

Author: 

Berlinda Nefertiti Goldy Salaki

(A Student from the School of Reconciliation)

Translated by:

Ari Budi Santosa